Self Disclosure

Beyond academic milestones and trainings, there are precious and painful life experiences that have shaped and grooved who I am today. In our culture it’s not often that we hear many personal details about the counsellor sitting across from us in the room or the Zoom call. This makes sense in many ways, as the person seeking support is often paying a large fee to receive care and support from the other, and yet it can leave the interaction feeling transactional and at worst, institutional. Despite this, what occurs in the counselling room between me and the people I work with often feels like magic; as if we’re engaging in a space that has been around since the beginning of time. It’s not just meaningful, it’s sacred . Sadly, the structure upon which our current mental health system has been built (i.e. the “Western” medical system built by mostly white men) does not leave much room for the therapist’s mistakes, colourful personalities or spirits to enter the room. I often repeat the phrase “perfectionism is a product of the patriarchy”, and so I’d be very delighted to continue to dismantle this concept of perfectionism by encouraging expressions of unraveling emotions, messiness, shadow work and for truth in what is exchanged in the counselling room.

Since I began practicing in 2017 my eyes have been opened to the ways oppressive systems attempt to regulate, and do regulate our internal and external lives. Along with perfectionism, it feels important to also dismantle the narrative of “experts” in the field of mental health and to move away from hierarchies that serve to separate us instead of connect us. It’s important to shed light and awareness on the threads of connection between all of us and that process includes sharing the darker and shadow-y aspects of our stories, as well as the lighter and hopeful ones. I want you to know I don’t really have “my shit together”, and I don’t really know anyone who does. If you are reading this and are new to me or someone I already know, welcome; it’s so nice to have you here and I’d like to share a little bit about myself with you.

Self-disclosure (i.e. sharing information about my own life, experiences and feelings in a session) was mostly discouraged during my counselling degree, although it was acknowledged as being helpful in special circumstances. I truly hope I don’t repeat the same behaviour that my grade 12 school counsellor demonstrated by talking extensively of myself, my trips to Mexico and my sail boat (I don’t own a sailboat, but he definitely did). I do hope to bring some of me into the room so you have a sense of who I am. My hope for folks I work with is that they feel more and more comfortable embracing who they are and bringing themselves into the spaces they occupy; if this is done in an authentic and caring way then it just may inspire others to do the same. We could end up with a lot more acceptance. Imagine that.

Here’s some of my story:

After finishing a six-year (give or take?) undergraduate degree in Psychology from the University of Victoria, I began teaching yoga and worked in the restaurant industry. Due to feeling relatively aimless in my twenties and lacking understanding and support in relation to various forms of sexual violence and undealt-with traumatic events, I leaned into the party scene. This inclination toward alcohol and drugs became best friends with my wounded relationship to food, and that resulted in a camping up of disordered eating and body images issues. Fortunately I still felt a calling for something more, and eventually decided education was the answer. I’d seen several counsellors, but no one consistently and was trying to decide between an Acupuncture degree or a Counselling degree. My father, who is near and dear to my heart, had just completed his Level 1 training at the IFS Institute and encouraged me to follow the path of counselling, and so I enrolled in a Masters program. After a year I decided to move to Vancouver in order to immerse myself in more diversity, both personally and with the folks I hoped to work with.

Luckily I received what I was searching for and worked with youth and adults living with various degrees of disability/different abilities in Richmond, and then completed my practicum placements in East Vancouver and Surrey. Along the way I made several life-long friends, moved many times, had my bike stolen, saw a lot of amazing live music, ate delicious food, had my heart broken (open), finished my degree, tried ayahuasca and spiritually opened up. Eventually I moved back to the island in 2019, feeling blessed by the many gifts Vancouver bestowed on me - albeit still experiencing a sense of “lostness”. Despite the lingering “lostness”, sitting with people in the counselling space has always brought me a sense of belonging and I always kept my practice running. When I’m feeling in my flow there is no greater honour than to sit with someone and witness an unfolding, a holding, expressions, movement of emotion, and a reclaiming of something that once felt lost. Although there are many tears, there are also a lot of laughs and connective moments.

Admittedly, sitting with mostly white people who can mostly all afford counselling hasn’t always felt like enough for the human-rights-activist that lives inside of me. When I lived on the mainland I worked with some Sḵwx̱wú7mesh (Squamish) and səlilwətaɬ (Tsleil-Waututh) Nations youth and had gone on a very inspiring trip to Haida Gwaii in 2018. A curiosity that had perhaps always been there was being ignited, and I developed a strong desire to work with indigenous communities. In hindsight that desire was most certainly wrapped up in “white saviour complex”: an ugly product of colonization and imperialism that is on it’s way to being removed from my motivations (although there are no guarantees, oppression works in sneaky ways). This led me to working in Port Alberni with the Nuu Chah Nulth Tribal Council and I began traveling to remote communities on the west coast of the island. I heard nightmarish and horrifying stories of the residential school system and blundered along trying to make any positive impact. Along the way I created some strong connections and feel very honoured to have been able to share space with Nuu Chah Nulth cultures. Shout out to Helicopters Without Borders, who offer crucial services to remote communities in BC… and I was lucky enough to fly with countless times.

My curiosities connected to belonging, oppression, to suffering and to joy continue to motivate my life path. Why them and not me? How did we get here? How can I help? How deeply is the oppressor embedded in me? When did my ancestors have to abandon their lands, language, food, dance, music and spiritual practices? I can confidently say I don’t know the answers to these questions, yet am grateful to be living with them every day. At times this path is harrowing and dark, and at times I'm moved to my core by the unconditional love and guidance that surrounds me. I’ve been blessed with very loving ancestors, nurturing friends, a gifted counsellor, a special dog, the magic of myth and the inkling that I can “jump up and live again”, as Martín Prechtel says. Martín’s wise words have been teaching and moulding and growing seeds of hope in me the last few years, so I’d like to share some of his words with you:

“We live in a kind of dark age, craftily lit with synthetic light, so that no one can tell how dark it has really gotten. But our exiled spirits can tell. Deep in our bones resides an ancient singing couple who just won't give up making their beautiful, wild noise. The world won't end if we can find them.” — Martín Prechtel “Secrets of the Talking Jaguar”

In the last few years I’ve heard a saying that goes something like “individuals themselves do not have pathologies, they live in a pathological system and the so-called-symptoms we are showing are completely normal reactions to abnormal situations” (although I can’t recall exactly, I have a guess that Mariah Moser shared that with our class during our relational somatic training). In this present day and moment, I still struggle with my relationship to food and body image issues, my complex relationship to alcohol, my relationship with the females in my family of origin, financial stress, the behaviour of sexually aggressive people, phone addiction and a feeling of “lostness”. AND also, I’m finding my way towards something with learning more about my ancestry and who came before me. I’ve been communicating more with the land around me, crafting, singing, camping, feeding my ancestors and trying to learn Irish Gaelic. I’m weaving in joy and awe and curiosity and it feels right.

I felt I had to squeeze this poem in somewhere, and decided to plop it here. It’s called “Night” and it is written by Andrea Cohen.

Someone was talking
quietly of lanterns—

but loud enough
to light my way.

I hope we can all see the light coming from the lantern, whether dim or bright. There are layers to mindfully peel back; this is the work that’s been asked of me and that I’ve agreed to do. I pray to be in right relationship with Mother Earth so that more life can be passed on to my nieces, to the children of the world and to their children and beyond. Resting and being in right relationship are important keys to carry on this path, so that I can continue to show up as myself, to be inspired by others and encourage them to do the same: we need each other, and I’m happy you’re here.

With love from the hearth in my heart,

Arianna Jean Grace Clarke-Watts